Parenting // Having a baby with a boyfriend instead of a husband…

Dunc and I have been together since 2011 and started seriously discussing our future of getting married and having kids during the summer of 2013. Although these things weren’t iminment, we both agreed that is how we wanted our future to look. However Dunc was probably not as bothered about the whole marriage thing. He, at this point, had never been to a wedding and although many of his friends were in long term relationships (over five years), none were engaged. I think he didn’t quite get it.

I on the other hand was certain about what I wanted. In 2010 I came out of a four year relationship and was keen to not waste time again and to not fall into just being a girlfriend forever. 

Forward onto 2015, Dunc and I bought a house together, we moved in, we got pregnant, we celebrated four years together. Still no engagement. I felt very confused and had already made clear to Dunc prior to our pregnancy that I would have the same surname as my children and it was up to him as to what that surname would be. 

Once Wilf was born it took us over a month to get him registered because of the name. Dunc then promised that he would ask me to marry him and being caught up in a world of emotions I agreed to let Wilf have his surname. Something that I have had regrets about since.

Also, over the space of a year, out of the six friends in long term relationships, three got engaged and three ended. Ouch. It was like it was make or break time.

Earlier this year, after attending the wedding of one of his oldest friends (who is just three years into his relationship…) I had a really tough month. I felt like our relationship was falling away. We were still not engaged, Dunc never spoke about our wedding anymore and I just didn’t feel as confident about us. It was utterly shit.

I caved in and spoke to him. I didn’t want to be that girl who moans about not having a ring on her finger, but I needed to hear Dunc tell me that I was the only one for him and the one that he wants to be with forever. I needed him to show me how he feels (he is shockingly bad at displaying emotions). He assured me of how he feels and over the following weeks I did start to feel better.

I really do feel that having a little one will impact on your relationship no matter how hard you try to not let it. I was determined it would make us stronger, but I think that not having that commitment of marriage has made me feel less stable.

I also hate that he has a different surname. We all got new passports recently and I’m a Miller whilst they are not. At the doctors I’m a Miller whilst they are not, at weigh in clinics I’m a Miller whilst they are not. It just feels shit. “Oh, no, we’re not married”, “he’s my partner”…. it gets tougher.  You feel like you have to explain yourself all the time and why you’re not married. Why do I feel like that? I don’t think I should, but I do.

Money is tight right now for a number of reasons and so even though I don’t want a fancy ring I can’t see him being able to get a ring any time soon. I can’t imagine Dunc putting money aside for it. It’s also not something we talk about much anymore. And I feel awkward if we watch people get engaged on TV. 

I don’t even want a wedding. I just want to be his and for him to be mine. I want him to scoop us up and run away, just the three of us and get married, just us. 

I really didn’t think marriage was so important to be done before kids, but now I get it. It’s your foundation, it’s your stability, it’s what you build your family upon. 
Maybe it’s just me who feels like this? It would mean so much to hear from you if you are in a similar situation.

T

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Parenting // Having a baby with a boyfriend instead of a husband…

  1. It is definitely not just you who feels like this. My boyfriend and I have been together just over 3 years and I’ve made it very clear the order is house then wedding then kids. Even if it means me wrapping my legs round him and dragging him down the aisle.
    Money is a big factor, I did ask him why we weren’t engaged yet (mainly in jest… we’ll half and half) and he just said, no money yet. He didn’t feel like he could give me what I wanted (untrue but weddings are financially draining a lot of the time and we’re saving up house deposit blah blah bla). Just painful when people are getting married and having babies left right and centre isn’t it.
    Hope you’re feeling ok x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, great to hear I’m not alone! Yeh I kind of figured if we didn’t have kids now then at the rate we were going I would be getting too old (I turned 29 just after we got pregnant so add on a few years for engagement and a few more for wedding…). I really didn’t get the whole wedding before kids but I totally do now. Good for you for knowing what you want! Yeh I’m feeling good, sometimes it’s just good to write it all down x

      Like

  2. Aw I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so hurt! For me, I don’t feel ready to get married, but had my son at 19, but I can definitely understand the frustration as it’s so important to you ❀ my partner and I would rather stay unmarried, we kind of like the feeling that we are together as we want to be, rather than by law, and I think we would get married only for legal reasons, but is what my parents did is definitely different for everyone! πŸ˜€ xx
    elizabeth β™‘ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara
    (lets follow each other on bloglovin or instagram)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s